Home,.....home where I wanted to go

Writing this blog is like therapy for me. I have all of these thoughts on life, indirect questions, rants, and memories that it's good for me to write them down somewhere. I used to keep a journal on and off from about the age of fourteen. There are a lot of funny, strange, painful, and even sad memories in those pages. It's funny whenever I get the urge to read through one I usually can only read like two entries before I just kind of zone out and playback in my mind what those days were like and what I was feeling at that time. One thing that I've noticed about myself is that no matter how great I would be feeling one day the next day or two I'd be writing about how much life sucks and vice versa. My life has changed so much yet so little in the past seven or eight years. They say hindsight is 20/20. It's hard to see yourself in the big picture of life and the story of the world when your living in that moment, but take a step back and look at what has been. There were crazy times I came so close to crashing and burning and then there were weeks that I'd spend staring at the ceiling reading latin prayers. I'd write about pretty much anything and everything. It's kind of ironic how years make the moment clear in our minds. An edited entry from August 16th 2002 about a girlfriend I had: "Oh my God, this hurts like hell. I had that dream again where you were lost for good in space. A waking nightmare that is only worse when I am sleeping. Your just someone I used to know now. I never told you that it's not so easy, caving in. Your eyelashes falling and wishes washed away. Bottle up the rain my dear and keep the color in your hair. And get to church cause you're a good girl. It's not so cold out here in the fall only in my dream. Go to sleep now and forget about her man. This only makes it worse. Listen to those hazy eyes." It's crazy I can still remember that day. This girl that I had been dating told me that God told her that we had to breakup because we had made out a few times. I think it was her parents though now that I think about it. Looking at the big picture in hindsight I always seem to get where I'm going.