A monologue from under a pew..

Here..
Right here is where I cut my teeth on reality..
Not reality like on TV or in a movie or a book..
But real life reality..
Reality with all of it inconsistencies and unpleasant smells..
Reality and it's ultimately naive plot..

Over there..
Right over there on those stairs is where I put a child's faith into action..
Faith like that of a silo full of mustard seeds..
A faith that drown carpet with agitated tears and slimy nasal drainage..
But a faith that receded like the tide back into fear and doubt on warm summer nights..
Over there I looked for the face of divinity..

Back there..
Back there is the door that challenged my reason..
My reason to find what I was told needed to be found..
That door that I walked through and kept on walking..
Where I burned my ships and damned my innocent comprehension..
Back there is where I took my first step as a man..

Still my thoughts are here..
Right here where I cut my teeth on reality..
Not reality like on TV or in a movie or a book..
But real life reality..
Reality with all of it inconsistencies and unpleasant smells..
Reality and it's ultimately naive plot..

A toast to fear, doubt and love..

To be completely honest with you without sounding too full of myself; I don't have any irrational fears, save one.
I have this intense fear of commitment. I can look spiders in their beady little eyes or jump off a forty foot tall bridge into the lake but settling down with some nice girl scares the hell out of me. It feels so real, so final.
I've never had a relationship last longer than about six months without subconsciously or sometimes consciously sabotaging it.
I see couples so happy just to be together and it makes me wish that I could have what they have, but when it gets to the point of no return, with almost an involuntary reaction, I bow out. Some tell me that this is because I haven't met the "right" girl yet, and others seem to think that this is because I'm part of the male population which is evil incarnate.
I've spent many lonely nights pondering if I'll be a confirmed bachelor for the remainder of my days and I've spent many first, second, and third dates wondering how to "ditch this chick."
I'm only twenty-three, young by most accounts, so I'm told that I have plenty of time to work this out and meet my "fishie."
So here's a toast to our fears, our doubts and love.
Cheers.