On this bus to the end of the world...

I fell asleep again with landscape floating across the window.
It felt like it had been years on this journey down.
Down to where life stops looking so familiar and starts to look like what you imagined it would be. What they told you it would be.
Where you always hoped you would be. The grass on the other side.
A place you feel as if you've been before. A long time ago.
Where problems and troubles are just someones philosophy about society.
A place that belongs to us all. A place that no one man could own.
Where the king is a dreamer who holds his throne in his hand.
A place with sea at it's edge and the cool breeze at it's back.
With my house on the end of the street and yours next to mine.
I hope we grow old and see the places they sang to us when we were young.
The places baptized with the stories we know.
The stories they told us to make us lust for serenity and love.
My eyelids heavy now but my body restless on this bus to the end of the world.
Sleep steals my consciousness again.
Sleep welcomes me like a lost son.

If at first you don't succeed..

Life can be so damn frustrating!
I have been trying to move my life to the city (San Francisco) for too many years now. Time and time again I've tried to make the transition to the city by the bay, but it always seems to be one thing or another that holds me back.
I have considered the possibility that I've put this "life change" up on a pedestal thinking that it'd make me completely happy, and there is a chance that it won't. However this hasn't been one of those "spur of the moment" ideas. I've been thinking about this since before I graduated High School. Most of my close friends live in or around San Francisco and I pretty much am there most weekends as it is.
I've been rethinking a lot of my "life goals" the past couple weeks. Number one on the list is my vocation.
Now I love working on cars, and using this to help people. Not much these days can make me quite as happy as this, but I've been thinking "what if there's something else out there I could do?" Now granted I'm not the most skilled person you'd ever meet. In fact I don't really have too many useful skills, and not being able to find a mechanic job in or around San Francisco has been the biggest obstacle for me to move.
Who knows maybe it's just not meant to be or maybe the time is wrong, but for good measure I'm going to try again this summer.
Wish me luck..

A monologue from under a pew..

Here..
Right here is where I cut my teeth on reality..
Not reality like on TV or in a movie or a book..
But real life reality..
Reality with all of it inconsistencies and unpleasant smells..
Reality and it's ultimately naive plot..

Over there..
Right over there on those stairs is where I put a child's faith into action..
Faith like that of a silo full of mustard seeds..
A faith that drown carpet with agitated tears and slimy nasal drainage..
But a faith that receded like the tide back into fear and doubt on warm summer nights..
Over there I looked for the face of divinity..

Back there..
Back there is the door that challenged my reason..
My reason to find what I was told needed to be found..
That door that I walked through and kept on walking..
Where I burned my ships and damned my innocent comprehension..
Back there is where I took my first step as a man..

Still my thoughts are here..
Right here where I cut my teeth on reality..
Not reality like on TV or in a movie or a book..
But real life reality..
Reality with all of it inconsistencies and unpleasant smells..
Reality and it's ultimately naive plot..

A toast to fear, doubt and love..

To be completely honest with you without sounding too full of myself; I don't have any irrational fears, save one.
I have this intense fear of commitment. I can look spiders in their beady little eyes or jump off a forty foot tall bridge into the lake but settling down with some nice girl scares the hell out of me. It feels so real, so final.
I've never had a relationship last longer than about six months without subconsciously or sometimes consciously sabotaging it.
I see couples so happy just to be together and it makes me wish that I could have what they have, but when it gets to the point of no return, with almost an involuntary reaction, I bow out. Some tell me that this is because I haven't met the "right" girl yet, and others seem to think that this is because I'm part of the male population which is evil incarnate.
I've spent many lonely nights pondering if I'll be a confirmed bachelor for the remainder of my days and I've spent many first, second, and third dates wondering how to "ditch this chick."
I'm only twenty-three, young by most accounts, so I'm told that I have plenty of time to work this out and meet my "fishie."
So here's a toast to our fears, our doubts and love.
Cheers.

Embrocation, stale piss, and defeat..

People who drink to drown their sorrow should be told that sorrow knows how to swim.
Life goes by faster than most can compete with. Little by little you let the "here and now" slide to make way for the promise of living "better" tomorrow. The studious, the entrepreneur are heralded as the masters of the world, but at what cost is their feat?
The afterlife or maybe the "later-life", forever debated among scholars and revelators alike, proposes compensation for unwavering loyalty to "the cause", to "the big picture." An opportunity to take in all that was forsaken in the "before-life."
The trend however in this unwavering loyalty is sorrow of having missed what others have not. They long for the feeling, known to them as a child maybe, of being alive, of just being happy to be where they are with whoever they are there with.
It has become more common in our modern society to experience this reckless angst. The "just get through this day to live another" life we've come to know. We suppress our weariness and trudge on to our promised future.
Still it has come to us to question the truth of the promise in exchange of our days, months, and years.
Is it true the impotency of happiness in the life we live? Does it just end with the smell of embrocation, stale piss, and defeat?
Some drink to figure this life out, and then some drink to forget the life they missed.

Sun

I've been having some crazy writers block. So here are some words by one of my favorite song writers Eef Barzelay.

When it’s my moment in the sun
Oh, how beautiful I’ll be
But in a normal sort of way
Like I am you and you are me

Cause I have a lot of things to say
And you’d be wise to listen good
I think that hunger, war and death
Are bringing everybody down

When it’s my moment in the sun
I’ll share my problems with the world
And psychosomatically I’ll sing
To God and all his pretty girls

When it’s my moment in the sun
I won’t forget that I am blessed
But every hero walks alone
Thinking of more things to confess

Such as it is..

They say that there will come a time in life when everyhting comes together, when everything makes sense or when it doesn't have to make sense because your content with the answer you have. A point that you can look back on or look forward to and think this is as good as it gets, the happiest day of my life.
I've heard people use analogies such as "life is a roller coaster" or "life is a journey of valley floors and mountain peaks" but these do not envelope the idea that you have a certain amount of control of your life, "destiny."
The golden moments in the stream of life rush past us, and we see nothing but where they were; the angels come to visit us, and we only know them when they are gone.
Enjoy life.
Such as it is.